


(After) The End of the Line

by Ana (Anafandom)



Series: Second Chances [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky isn't that bad, But he still has to deal with consequences, Civil War Team Iron Man, Gen, Not Steve Friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Team Cap is full of shit, actions have consequences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-14 17:00:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13594464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anafandom/pseuds/Ana
Summary: It is time for James "Bucky" Barnes to have his day in court regarding the events of the Civil War, and to deal with his part in it. It won't be easy, but James is determined to see it through.





	1. James

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, people. I'm posting this today to celebrate one year as a fic writer (and, in 2018, 20 years as a fic reader). Hooray! On February 6 2017 I posted the first chapter of "5 Times Team Cap Could Have Prevented Civil War". Since then I have posted 11 more MCU stories with a total of about 230k words. Go me!
> 
> I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has read, kudosed and commented. It's been an incredible year and I've had tons of fun writing, reading and talking to people in fandom. Team Iron Man rocks! You guys are the best! So THANK YOU! :)

James woke up choking and gasping for air, heart thundering away in his chest. In the last couple of weeks nightmares had plagued him nearly every night. Dr Flores said it was to be expected as he recovered more and more of his memories both from the time before (his life as Bucky) and from his time as the Winter Soldier. At first, when he thought about it, it was like he was simply recounting events in someone else’s life – like a movie he’d seen. It had been terrible to know the things he had done (been forced to do), but it hadn’t had much emotional impact. Now, however, every new memory came with _feeling_ – guilt, pain, horror, despair, anger and fear. Now it wasn’t just a movie; it was himself, all emotions unlocked and overflowing.

There were times James was glad for it, as it made him feel human again – a person, not Hydra’s weapon. Yet at night, when his mind was filled with images of pain and suffering, he wasn’t so grateful. Dr Flores just kept telling him that it was a good thing and that the immediacy of the feelings would fade with time and that the pain would lessen (and a part of him wondered if he even deserved that, after all the hurt he’d caused others.)

“One day at a time, James,” Dr Flores said at the end of every session.

To help deal with it, Dr Flores had recommended James keep a dream diary; he was to write down what he remembered from the dreams (nightmares) and all feelings they evoked. Then later he could discuss them with Dr Flores if he wanted to. While James had been skeptical at first, he had to admit that it seemed to help. At the very least, it was something to do rather than pace in frustration, unable (and unwilling) to go back to sleep.

Tonight he dreamt of the Starks’ murder, as he’d done many times before. In Siberia, when he and Steve had fought Stark, James had said he’d remembered all his kills, though that hadn’t been completely true. He remembered it in flashes, mostly when something triggered the memories (like the video had done), but not in the visceral way he had recently begun to remember things. At the time, he had watched himself murder a man he had known and hadn’t been able to feel anything. When he looked back now, all he could remember feeling during the whole “Civil War” was confusion and fear. None of that should have happened, but the fight in Siberia was the thing Bucky was most ashamed of. He had been, arguably, in his right mind (that was, not under Hydra’s direct control) and at the time he’d thrown the first punch, he had not been in immediate danger (nor had Steve for that matter). Also, unlike in Bucharest, when unknown agents had invaded his apartment to capture him for something he’d had no knowledge of (he had thought they might have been Hydra), in Siberia he didn’t even have that excuse. He knew exactly why Stark was fighting, why he’d targeted both James and Steve (god, how could Steve have kept such a secret from the man?) and James knew he’d been more than justified. If, at that moment, Stark had really wanted to kill them both, James would not have been able to say it was unwarranted. Yet Stark didn’t kill them. James was now aware of the capabilities of the Iron Man suit so he knew that Stark had had all means at his disposal to win that fight. He’d apparently said so in the trial – that if he’d really wanted them dead they would be – and it was true.

It filled James with a mixture of shame and anger to remember that fight. He wished, more than anything, that that hadn’t happened. Because at that moment he had abandoned his humanity, his decency, to be a monster – someone who watched another human being in pain, having been the one to cause that pain, and instead of acting with compassion, turned to violence. There was no war, no threat, no misunderstanding or mind control. There was only James, incapable of doing the right thing when he could – should – have.

Still, it hadn’t been only him in that bunker. Steve (and Zemo) had contributed to that. It was hard to reconcile the Steve from his memories of before with the Steve who lied and attacked a friend for selfish reasons.

Whenever Siberia entered his dreams, James wondered how things could have gone so wrong. And, perhaps most of all, he wondered how he could ever hope to make up for all he’d done. He had written several apology letters to Tony Stark in the last couple of months, yet none of them felt sufficient. How could anyone possibly apologize for something like that? Would Stark even give a crap about it? Was this apology for Stark or for James himself? Was it to ease his own guilty conscience or to do something for Stark, however small it might be? James didn’t know – which was why he kept writing, and why he had yet to send anything.

The truth was that there was nothing he could do to make any of it better. He could apologize on bended knee for the rest of time and it would make no difference. The Starks (and others) would still be dead and their son still orphaned and betrayed. And James himself would forever be burdened with the knowledge of what he’d done. He had thought that perhaps in time he would be able to accept the things he had been forced to do and find a way to move on. It was easier to do that when thinking about nameless strangers, but with the Starks it was different. Howard Stark wasn’t a stranger, and neither was his son, who was a living reminder of the impact of his actions. It was much harder to keep it out of his mind when his victims were there to constantly remind him of what he’d done. And it was harder to let go of the guilt when his memories had emotions attached to them.

At times like this, overwhelmed with guilt and regret, James wondered if it would have been better if he’d just died back in that fall. Or at any point during Hydra’s experiments and “training”. Or when he’d seen Steve again and began to remember who he used to be. Perhaps he should have realized then that he was too far gone to ever have the possibility of going back, and just ended it. He could have taken charge of his life again right then and done the right thing – or was it the selfish thing? If he’d died then, maybe the families of his victims would never have known what had really happened to their loved ones, would never have had that closure (though James wasn’t sure whether they actually appreciated that).

He kept going around in circles in his head over it until morning came, feeling weary and exhausted of this never-ending cycle of despair and guilt. His breakfast looked utterly unappetizing and James was sure he’d be sick if he ate any of it, so he left it untouched. When the guards came to collect the tray, James asked to see Dr Flores. His sessions were usually in the afternoon, but Dr Flores had told him to call if he really needed to talk and today seemed to be one of those days.

There was probably little coherence to what he said to Dr Flores, yet it still felt good to get it off his chest. Dr Flores listened quietly and only when James was finished, panting as if he’d just gone three rounds with other Winter Soldiers, did the doctor open his mouth.

“James,” he said, “what you’re feeling is normal. I know it seems overwhelming now – and it will probably be so for a while yet – but it _will_ get easier. In time. You have to give yourself time.”

“Time isn’t going to change what happened or what I did.”

“No, but it will make it easier to live with it. It will help it feel less overwhelming.”

“But do I even deserve it? After all I did, is it even right that I should put it behind me? What about all those people who suffered because of what I did?” He thought of Stark’s eyes as he watched his parents killed in a video with no warning and no emotional support.

“James, you are not morally – and possibly not legally – responsible for those deaths. It is normal to feel guilty, but you cannot let it rule your life. The victims and families aren’t going to suffer any less because you move on. The fact that you survived, and are here now, is not something you should be ashamed of, although that is also understandable and normal.”

“What about what I did in my right mind?”

“That is something you will also have to come to terms with so that you can eventually forgive yourself. It will not be easy, I know, but don’t give up yet. You’ve only just began to deal with all this. Give yourself some time, James.”

It sounded good, James thought. He wanted to believe Dr Flores, wanted to have hope. “I’d like… I don’t know if it’s possible, or even if I should, but I’d like to try and make amends for what I did. Or at least apologize to the families. Is that… is that self-serving?”

“Not necessarily. I believe it could be a good idea, as long as you keep in mind that it might not be received the way you want it to. If you want to do it just so you can feel better about yourself, it would be self-serving. But if you really just want an opportunity to express your feelings and do something for those people, however small it might be and without expecting anything in return, then it could be good. You should have a chance to say your piece if you feel it is important to you. Just remember that people might not want to hear it, or they might not care or forgive you. They also have a right to their feelings on the matter. You can’t count on it as absolution.”

James nodded. He knew he had no right to expect anyone to forgive him, or even give a crap about him and his feelings. Still, he wanted people to know, at least, that he acknowledged his culpability and was willing to face consequences. He remembered, when he was reading about the others’ trials, that people appreciated that Sam and that guy Lang had accepted responsibility for their mistakes and apologized for their actions. Steve and the Hydra woman had not, and they were vilified for that as well as their crimes. James had decided a long time ago that he would accept responsibility. Steve might have claimed that he had been trying to help “Bucky”, but James wanted to make it clear that he had not asked for it and did not condone Steve’s actions.

“I don’t even know who most of those people were. I don’t know how many are dead or injured because of me.”

“James, take it slowly. It won’t help you to get into all of that all at once.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I should start with the people involved in the Civil War, right?”

“That could be a start, but remember that there will still be a trial for that.”

“I’m… I’m going to plead guilty. It’s the least I can do.”

“I understand. However, you should discuss it with your lawyer first, see what kind of deal you can get. There _were_ extenuating circumstances.”

“Will you help me with the letters?”

“Of course.”

It was very hard to put his feelings into paper in a coherent way, James found. What could he say that wouldn’t sound like a pitiful attempt to gain sympathy? How could he convey his sincerity about his regret? It seemed like an impossible task.

“James, no matter what you write or how, it will not be perfect and you have no way of predicting how the recipient will interpret it, so just do the best you can. Be honest. That’s all you _can_ do. I’ll bring you some material on it for you to go over tomorrow.”

By the time their session ended, James did feel slightly better about the situation.

The rest of the day was pretty routine. Idly, James wondered how Steve was doing in prison, how he was coping with forceful inactivity. He also wondered if Steve had gotten his head out of his ass yet.

*****

A few days later he got a visit from Mr Alvarez, his lawyer, with an update on the trial.

“The Accords Panel will split the cases against you, to make it easier for everyone. The events of the Civil War will be tried separately from what you did as the Winter Soldier,” Mr Alvarez said.

“What does that mean?”

“Well, first, it means an acknowledgement that there was a different in your… state of mind… between the two situations. Also, the Accords Prosecution department is still going over Hydra records regarding the Winter Soldier and which missions were completed to have a clearer picture of it.”

 _They’re still figuring out how many people I killed_ , James translated. “Okay.”

“You said a while ago that you wanted to plead guilty. Is that still true?”

“Yes.” He paused. “And I want to… I want to make a statement. Is that possible?”

“Certainly. Dr Flores has completed his assessment of your mental capacity and can present his findings to the court. That will help you get a reduced sentence. I have not yet heard an official deal in regards to your sentence, but I believe I can get you around 10 years in a secure psychiatric facility with a specialized team of therapists.”

Ten years, James thought. It wasn’t nearly as long as Steve (or Sam). Right now it might seem like an eternity, but it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t like he _could_ be free anyway, not with Hydra’s triggers still in his head. He hoped Dr Flores would keep being his doctor though.

While Alvarez tried to get him the best possible deal, James continued to work on his apology letters. Even with James getting the chance to make an official apology to the world at court, he still wanted to send individual apologies to those he’d wronged, particularly Stark. He was going to leave that for last, however, because he didn’t want to do it as a rush job; the man deserved that much.

In a way, he was almost looking forward to his day in court. It would mean an end to all the uncertainty he felt now regarding his future, as well as the first step into doing something to make up for his actions and mistakes. He should have turned himself in years ago, but he’d been too scared of ending up back in Hydra’s hands. Now he finally had the chance to do the right thing. He wasn’t scared anymore, not of prison at least. He was scared of his own mind and the world at large, perhaps, of losing control of himself again, but not of being confined. If the facility he went to was similar to the one he was in now, it would be okay.

The final sentence was set at 9 years, which Alvarez told him was very good. There would be no parole until the triggers in his mind were confirmed to be truly gone, and since no one at present knew how to do it, it would be a while before that was even a possibility, which would still have to be evaluated. Possible treatments were being developed, Alvarez said, but it would likely be years before they were finalized and approved by all official channels.

On the day of the sentencing, James dressed in the suit Alvarez had gotten him and tried to make himself as presentable as possible (he wanted to look like a person, not an “asset”). With his hair cut short and neatly combed and the empty space where his arm (Hydra’s arm) used to be, he felt almost whole. _This is who I am now. This is how I’ve chosen to be_. It felt good to have choices – a choice how to wear his hair, a choice of suits (Alvarez had given him options), a choice in how to deal with the charges against him. James had decided on all of it and it helped him feel human again. Maybe his choices were somewhat limited, yet even limited choices were better than none. This time, he’d had time to _think_ , to consider what he wanted and arrive at a decision about what would be best.

The setup of the court was the same as in Steve’s trial, five judges from different countries.

“James Buchanan Barnes,” the presiding judge said. “You have accepted a guilty plea for the crimes you have been charged with. Was that a choice made of your own free will?”

“Yes, it was,” he replied, fervently glad to be able to say so.

“As part of your agreement, you wished to make a statement regarding your actions in these events. Please proceed.”

James took a deep breath before he began. He had gone over the things he wanted to say (even wrote something of a script, though he didn’t want to read it) yet was still nervous now that the time had come. He had never really had any experience with being in the spotlight and it felt rather uncomfortable. _Come on, you can do it_.

“First of all, I’d like to say how sorry I am for the people that got hurt and killed during the so-called Civil War. I’m sorry that _I_ hurt people. I didn’t really know what was going on most of the time and I reacted with violence when I shouldn’t have. To the Task Force officers in particular… I… I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to attack them. I tried not to use excessive force, but… I did it anyway. I should have surrendered right away and explained that I had nothing to do with the bombing in Vienna. Further investigation would have cleared me without anyone getting hurt. I thought… I guess at first I thought that it was Hydra who had found me, and I reacted badly, I don’t know. I’m sorry about the civilians that got hurt in Bucharest during the chase. I wish things hadn’t happened that way. I wish I’d made better choices.

“I want to say I’m sorry about the officers in Berlin. I… Zemo told me to kill all those people and I wasn’t strong enough to stop it, to stop myself from doing it.

“I’m sorry about the injury Col Rhodes suffered as a result of the fight at the airport. That fight should never have happened. We should have surrendered immediately. We should have also told the Avengers about the other Winter Soldiers. I don’t know why Steve and Wilson decided not to. I heard them say something about Stark and the Accords, but I didn’t really understand it then. They – we – were wrong to handle things that way. I wish I’d questioned things more. I thought… I thought I could trust Steve to do the right thing.

“I also want to say that now that I know what they are, I fully support the Sokovia Accords. They are a good thing for everyone.

“Finally, I want to tell Dr Stark I’m very sorry about everything. I should not have fought with him in Siberia, it was wrong of me to do that. I should have tried to calm things down instead of making them worse. I should have surrendered.

“I’m sorry that the whole mess happened because of me. Steve was wrong to choose to protect me at the expense of other people. I never wanted that. I wish I could have found a way to stop him.

“I understand that I did terrible things – willingly or not – and that I have to pay for that. I accept that. I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt anyone again – I wish I could – but I can promise that I will do my best. I don’t _want_ to hurt people anymore, I just want to be left alone.

“I know none of this changes anything, and I understand it if people ignore me. I just… I just wanted to let people know that… that I didn’t do any of that on purpose, maliciously. I didn’t set out to hurt anyone, though it happened anyway. I never thought I was above the law or more important than others. Those deaths weren’t acceptable. If I had known beforehand what would have happened… I would have surrendered right away. I never wanted more blood on my hands.”

James exhaled hard and nodded to show he was finished.

“Thank you, Mr Barnes,” the judge said. “Your words have been entered into the record. The Accords Panel hopes that you will get the help you need to fully regain your mind.” She banged the gavel and declared the proceedings finished.

The next day he had another appointment with Dr Flores.

“How do you feel now that it’s over?” the doctor asked.

“Relieved.” It probably wasn’t what most people would feel, but for James that was the prevalent emotion. “It’s all done now and I can… move on. No more limbo.” As Dr Flores had said, things had gotten a little better in the last couple of weeks before the trial. Though he still had moments of guilt and pain, it was getting easier to handle them without sinking into despair.

“That’s good.”

“What are the chances of getting the triggers out, you think?”

“I am confident that we will find a way to do it. Hopefully soon.”

“How soon is soon?” While James did not object to being in prison, he would feel better if he knew for sure that on one would be able to turn him into a killing machine anymore.

“That is impossible to say, I’m afraid. There are a lot of people working on it at the moment; I am one of them. Still, the mind is a complicated thing and we must proceed with caution.”

“Will you… keep in touch? After I get to the new prison, I mean.”

“Certainly. I intend to remain one of your doctors, if that’s okay with you.”

“Yes, I’d like that,” James said with a smile. That was very good news to him.

“I might not be able to be there in person all the time, but we can do videocalls. Plus, the new doctors can contact me if you need anything urgently. I will keep up to date on everything.”

“Thank you, Dr Flores. Really. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.”

The rest of the session was focused on getting James up to speed about what to expect in the new facility (not a prison). It was reassuring to have information so he could prepare himself and not be taken by surprise. Ever since he’d been arrested it had happened that way – someone always explained to him what was going on, treating him as a person capable of understanding. When he thought about it, it was a sharp contrast to Steve, who had simply plowed on making all decisions without consulting or even informing him (like leaving the rest of the team behind in Liepzig). James had been off-balance and lost the entire time, not able to make a single thoroughly-thought decision, always bouncing from one disaster to another without a chance to breathe.

Yes, James was glad things had worked out as they did (for him at least, he avoided thinking about Steve too much because it made him feel angry and hurt). It might not be perfect, but for now it was good enough for him to know that he’d be safe and that he’d get help. One day, when he was released, he might even be able to return to something like a normal life, away from wars, blood and pain. It certainly seemed like a real possibility now.


	2. Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan to go back to Steve after Consequences wrapped up, but then I wrote the first chapter of this and Bucky's speech at the end just begged for Steve's reaction. So I wrote this one. Then I figured I should do Tony's reaction as well, which will be chapter 3.
> 
> And in case anyone is wondering, Natasha's fate is still in the air because I haven't decided how I want to handle it, but I do plan to at some point.

Steve had had no contact with Bucky since that last letter months ago (and he tried not to think about its contents too much). He occasionally asked his doctor about him and was always told that Bucky was fine, being treated by a specialist. There were many times he thought about writing, but then he remembered that Bucky had asked for time, and deflated back into despondent misery. It seemed to be the prevalent emotion these days.

As part of his “treatment”, Steve was required to watch the news and discuss anything he didn’t understand with Dr Gibson – “you need to fully integrate into the present instead of ignoring how the world has changed”, he’d been told. Steve had tried to argue that he hadn’t done that, but Dr Gibson didn’t seem to agree (and deep down, Steve knew the doctor was right). So that was how he heard about Bucky’s upcoming trial and watched several discussions about it on TV and on the internet (he was allowed access a couple of hours a day, though he had been told the computer was monitored for security reasons. In other words, they were spying on him. It didn’t sit right with him, but there was nothing to be done about it). There were a lot of people who were sympathetic to Bucky’s situation once it had been publicly revealed that he’d been tortured and brainwashed by Hydra to be their weapon. Some people even argued that he should not be imprisoned at all, given all he had already suffered.

A woman described as a human rights activist made a very passionate defense of Bucky in one the videos he watched. Steve was very impressed.

“I would agree with that,” a man identified as a lawyer replied, “except for what happened during the Civil War. The man is still clearly dangerous, and we have an obligation to protect the public from him. Until he is declared “cured” of whatever Hydra did to him, we cannot be certain that he won’t commit further crimes, either willingly or not. Also, let us not forget the victims of his actions in Bucharest, where we _wasn’t_ under Hydra’s control.” Steve clenched his jaw. Bucky had been defending himself! The thought came automatically, and Steve had to remind himself that it hadn’t quite been like that.

“Yes, but I think it’s safe to say, at this point, that _that_ mess was more Rogers’s fault than Barnes’s,” the woman countered, and Steve winced. “I mean, let’s look at the facts: in the two years between when Barnes first broke his conditioning and escaped from Hydra and when the Civil War happened, there are no reports of Barnes doing anything harmful or illegal. Given the fact that his face was plastered all over the news for months, I’m quite sure that someone would have stepped forward with that information if there had been any violent incidents. Then enter Steve Rogers and within minutes Barnes has been involved in a confrontation with law enforcement and a chase through the city that left dozens of dead and injured. We have no idea what Rogers told Barnes about what was going on, and we know from his trial that Rogers was completely ignorant of the law and proper procedure. And now since their arrest (and being separated), Barnes has been perfectly nice and cooperative, not a single injury of even a report of aggression from him.”

It hurt Steve to hear that. Many people had told him that before, but now Steve was forced to acknowledge that they had been right all along. He _hadn’t_ helped Bucky. On the contrary, he’d dragged friend into dangerous situations that had only made things worse. Bucky’s life had never been in danger from the Task Force, no matter what he’d thought at the time (and he didn’t know for sure if Sharon had lied to him or if he’d simply misunderstood what she’d said. Or did he hear what he wanted to hear – an excuse to go charging in?). All his justifications were empty and meaningless in the face of the mess he’d made of things.

Not everyone was so kind to his friend, though. There were people who called him “the worst serial killer the world had ever seen” and who advocated for the death penalty. Steve felt his blood go cold when he heard it. Fortunately, those seemed to be the minority.

“The thing is,” a man said during a televised panel discussion, “that the Winter Soldier is dangerous, and not just under Hydra’s control. Do I feel sorry for him? Sure, but that doesn’t change the facts. Lots of serial killers have terrible abusive childhoods, and they end up executed anyway. Barnes is no different. Let us not forget that he almost killed Tony Stark, a guy he’d orphaned, in that fight in Siberia. I didn’t see any sign of remorse from him there. He acted like a cold-blooded killer.”

“Well, to be fair, Stark did attack him,” another guy said.

“No. Stark attacked Rogers, the guy who was supposed to be his friend and instead helped cover up the Starks’ murders. In his place, I would have done the same. If Barnes was a decent guy, he would have left it at that and surrendered. He didn’t. Frankly, that’s where my sympathy for him ended.”

After watching the video of the fight in Siberia more than once, Steve couldn’t quite say that he and Bucky had been defending themselves as he’d thought at the time. Still, it didn’t seem fair to blame Bucky. He’d been reacting, not thinking straight. (Steve didn’t want to acknowledge that _he_ hadn’t been thinking straight during that whole mess either. Unfortunately, the time for denial had come and gone.)

“That’s true,” a woman said. “I can understand him fighting the Task Force. Guy’s mind is a mess of PTSD; he sees soldiers with guns and panics. It happens a lot, it’s understandable. Siberia is different. Like Jordan pointed out, Stark initially attacked Rogers – who, I agree, totally deserved that punch. He only attacked Barnes after the guy pointed a gun at his head, which is clearly self-defense. It’s very hard to excuse that, though I do think that the death penalty is too much.”

A part of Steve wanted to scream that Tony had been at fault for that fight too, yet that would just be more excuses. Since the trial, he’d been trying to put himself in Tony’s shoes at that moment instead of only focusing on Bucky. What if Steve had seen someone murder his mother? Would he have been rational enough to realize there was more to it? Would he have cared if there had been extenuating circumstances or would he have attacked right away? Well, the answer was quite obvious. Steve had always been a passionate guy, not really prone to reflection or introspection – charging head first had always been his style (and now he remembered how many times Bucky had cautioned him against it back in the day). So, he would have done exactly what Tony had done. How could he fault the man, then? And why was he only thinking about this now? All the months he’d stayed in Wakanda and it had never occurred to him then that he could have been wrong about anything. Worse, he’d actually thought Tony would call and admit that Steve was right. God, he’d been completely delusional.

“Still,” the second guy – the one who’d defended Bucky – interjected, “that whole thing could have been avoided if Rogers weren’t a liar. Stark being blind-sided with the murders wasn’t Barnes’s fault.”

And there it was. _More people blaming me_ , Steve thought. _Did I do **anything** right at all?_ Bucky might have some sympathy from the public, but it didn’t seem like anyone had any interest in being kind to Steve. Whenever his name was mentioned, it was with contempt, to point out all the things he’d done wrong, all the ways he’d fucked up. As if the trial – being convicted and sentenced to _forty years_ – hadn’t been enough. As if seeing all his friends in jail, losing everything he’d ever had (again) wasn’t enough. They had to keep kicking even when he was already down.

“Which just goes to show that it doesn’t pay to be friends with Rogers,” the woman said, and everyone nodded. Steve changed the channel, feeling slightly sick.

Bucky. Sam. Clint. Wanda. Natasha. _Tony_. All of them had been his friends (had they? Had he really thought of Tony as a friend? No one seemed to believe it), and most of them ended up in worse shape than they’d been before they’d met him. Sam and Clint imprisoned, Bucky would likely be too. Wanda had been sentenced to death (she was not who he’d thought, who he’d _wanted_ her to be). Natasha was god knew where with a price on her head. Tony… Tony was all right, but no thanks to Steve. (And there was Scott, who Steve had barely known and who’d ended up in prison for helping Steve.) It seemed like everything he touched turned to ashes.

Later, Dr Gibson wanted to talk about what Steve had learned.

“Everyone says it’s my fault.” Steve’s voice was shaky and small. He felt very small these days, worse than before he had the serum. Then, he had only been small in body; his heart and spirit had been strong and fierce. Now his body might be strong, but nothing else about him was. His confidence and belief in himself had crumbled to dust. All he’d fought so hard for had been lost and Steve was left floundering in a sea of uncertainly and pain, no safe harbor in sight to swim towards; he was just adrift. And utterly alone.

There were only a few prisoners at the “special prison” (it wasn’t the Raft, but it wasn’t so different either), so they were all separated. Steve had a (reinforced) cell all to himself and access to the TV/computer room at pre-determined times. He only interacted with the other prisoners two hours a day under heavy supervision, though the others all seemed to hate him (he wasn’t sure why, since they barely talked to him). His regular human contacts were the guards (who looked at him as if he was dirt under their boots) and the various doctors that treated him. Since his incarceration he’d had no visitors (which wasn’t surprising, since everyone he knew either hated him or was in prison as well) and no letters. He’d thought maybe Sam or Clint would write, but apparently they were still angry (and he couldn’t blame them).

Dr Gibson was the lead doctor, the one in charge of his “case”. Steve hated being a “case”. He had considered refusing to see any doctor or participate in any kind of “treatment” (even though he didn’t even know what that would be at the time), but Sartini had advised him against it the last time they’d spoken. “If you want any chance of being recognized as a good person ever again, you’ll need to cooperate. This can be a good chance for you to get the help you need, that you should have gotten from the start,” the lawyer had told him. Steve had always hated needing help, being week and incapable. Still, there was no denying (anymore) that doing things his way had not worked out for the best. At this point, however, he wasn’t sure _anything_ would make any difference.

“Do you think it’s your fault?” Dr Gibson asked. He was a thin guy in his fifties, with greying hair and an authoritative air. Steve wasn’t sure he liked him. He wasn’t the sadistic doctor he’d been half-expecting, but he wasn’t exactly _nice_ either.

“I was trying to help Bucky.” It was his default answer, the one that still slipped out whenever he was questioned about anything, even though he knew it was useless.

“That’s not what I asked. It doesn’t matter what you _wanted_ , for now we are focusing on the end result. Do you think your actions contributed to the situation Sgt Barnes is in now?” Gibson never let Steve get away with not answering a question, it was very annoying.

“Yes,” Steve finally said, eyes downcast. Gibson waited so Steve continued. “All I ever thought about was finding Bucky and bringing him home.” Except Bucky didn’t have a home to come back to, did he? “I wanted to protect him, to stand between him and the world. To save him. I failed him, before. I let him fall. I just didn’t want to fail him again.” Yet he had. Badly.

“And after you found him, what then? What was your plan to deal with everything? His mental health issues, the crimes he committed and so on?”

Steve wanted to say that he’d thought of that, but he really hadn’t. His plan had never gone beyond ‘get Bucky back’. There had been nothing else in his mind. Somehow he’d thought that everything would just magically work out once he had his friend by his side again. The only plan he’d had, if it might even be called that, had been to get Bucky in the Avengers so the two of them could fight side by side once more. (And now that he thought about it, would Bucky even have _wanted_ that? Steve had simply assumed that everything would go back to how it used to be. _But we’re not the same people_. How could it?)

“Steve?”

“I had no plan,” he confessed. “I just wanted him back.” Was that such a terrible thing, though? To want his friend back? To want something familiar to cling to, someone he loved? Why didn’t anyone understand? (How alone, lost and scared he’d been. Still was. Every day.)

“So a lawyer or a psychiatrist never entered your mind?”

Steve shook his head. Since his arrest and trial, and all the people who had continuously thrown his lack of knowledge about the modern world in his face, Steve felt stupid and out of his depth, which he hated. He’d once thought he could handle anything, that his stubbornness and good heart would somehow see him through (as it always had), but that was no longer the case. He’d been forced to admit that he didn’t know _anything_. It had never even occurred to him that he could (should) have gotten public support for Bucky after DC, as one of the people on TV had pointed out. “If Captain America had campaigned for the guy right from the start,” the woman had said, “Barnes could have been found sooner and in much different circumstances. He could have been handled as a returning hero, a POW who should be given every possible assistance to deal with his trauma and resume his life.” Steve had been so worried about protecting Bucky from everything that he’d simply not thought about getting more people (people he didn’t know, didn’t trust) on his side. He didn’t care for the media (because he didn’t understand how it worked) and it was easier to just ignore it. Steve had come to recognize that he was very good at ignoring the things he didn’t like or understand, as if doing so would make them go away. (That was what he’d done with the Accords while they’d been in Wakanda and the Starks’ deaths, and look where that had gotten him).

“So,” Dr Gibson continued, “with the benefit of hindsight, what do you think you could have done to help your friend?”

There were always questions with Gibson. Steve wasn’t just expected to talk or listen, he had to _think_ about things. All his life Steve had just gone with his heart and instincts, and now he had to explain things, to back his feelings up with knowledge and facts. It was hard, and he hated it. (He hated a lot of things. Everything that reminded him of all his failures. Everything he was clearly not good at.)

“I should have talked to a lawyer about what would be the best way to handle a case like Bucky’s.” Except the only lawyers he knew were those of Stark Industries, and getting them involved would have meant telling Tony the truth. “And I should have told Tony the truth,” he last part was said quietly.

“Why didn’t you?”

Steve didn’t know what to say to that. He had said in that letter that he thought he was protecting Tony when in fact it was himself he was protecting. Now that he considered it more, it seemed cowardly, and he’d never wanted to be a coward. He _should_ have come clean, but _how_? How could he ever say something like that? And to Tony, who was so fundamentally different from Steve that it made it impossible for them to ever get along.

“I thought… I thought he’d try and go after Bucky and it wasn’t Bucky’s fault.” Steve sighed and dropped his head. He was doing it again, insisting on Bucky’s innocence as a way to justify everything.

“You think that if you had told him privately in a calm and safe setting, explained the situation, he would have tried to hurt Barnes?”

Did he? Steve didn’t know. He didn’t know Tony enough to know what he’d do in any situation. In Siberia, Tony had attacked them, and it had not been until the trial that Steve realized Tony had been holding back in that fight. He had cut off Bucky’s metal arm rather than his head, which he could have done just as easily.

“I didn’t really think,” Steve finally said. “It was never a conscious thought-out decision. I just… I just didn’t think about it. I didn’t want to think about it.” Didn’t want to think about Howard, about any of the Winter Soldier’s victims. It was easier that way; no names, no faces, just a distant number that meant nothing to him or to anyone (collateral damage). God, he really was a coward.

“So, out of sight, out of mind?”

“I guess.”

“That’s not a healthy way to deal with emotionally difficult situations, Steve. Do you understand that?”

“Yes.” He still sounded small. Would he ever _not_ feel small anymore?

In the end, there was no trial. Bucky accepted a guilty plea and got nine years in a psychiatric facility. It still didn’t seem fair to punish him at all, but there was nothing Steve could do about it. The worst part, however, was hearing Bucky’s speech and the anger and blame directed at Steve. It looked like Bucky agreed with everyone else that Steve had fucked up. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It was one thing to read it in a private letter, it was another to see Bucky standing there – looking a lot like he did in the past – saying those things for all the world to hear.

Even Steve’s best friend thought he was wrong, that he wasn’t worthy. Even Bucky refused to stand with him. What did he had left then? Nothing. No friends, no allies, no certainties, no righteousness. He’d thought he couldn’t feel worse than he did at the end of his trial, confronted by Maria Stark, but he’d been wrong. This was worse. This was the end of the line for them, for their friendship. The one thing Steve still had from the past, and now it was gone. Bucky, _his_ Bucky, was gone. Whoever this person was standing in the courtroom, it was not his friend; it was a stranger. One that didn’t seem to like Steve all that much.

Steve cried himself to sleep that night knowing that no one cared about him anymore. He’d lost – _destroyed_ – everything.


	3. Tony

Bucky Barnes’s trial was not something Tony was particularly interested in. Now that he had his parents back, some of the hurt over their deaths had healed, though not all of it, of course. He might have them here now, but he’d spent 30 years mourning and missing them and he would never get that time back.

He’d gone digging into Hydra (SHIELD)’s records after finding out the truth to discover who had ordered the hit. It turned out that of the three high-ups in charge at the time, two were already dead and the last one was nowhere to be found, having gone off the grid a few years after the murders (Tony suspected he’d been killed by a rival in Hydra). It was difficult to determine which of the three had actually issued the order (or even if it’d been someone else), because their records weren’t that detailed. It listed the missions, but not always who issued them. In any case, it had certainly not been Barnes’s decision and Tony now had enough time and distance to see that. Still, it irked him that the real guilty parties were out of his reach.

He knew, because it was his job to know these things (despite what Rogers seemed to think about leadership), that he Accords Prosecution department had decided to try the Winter Soldier stuff separately from the Civil War events. Pomeroy had warned him that he might have to testify, depending on how the case went, even though she was fairly certain Barnes would accept a plea.

The truth was that, even after all the time and therapy, Tony still didn’t want to be in the same room with Barnes, didn’t want to have to look at him. Once upon a time, Tony might have fallen on that sword out of some misguided sense of guilt and pity for what had been done to Barnes, but not anymore. These days Tony took better care of himself, including his mental health (or at least he tried to). His parents and friends were all very supportive of Tony’s new-found desire to protect himself from further trauma and pain. He would do what he had to do and nothing more – the days of him fixing other people’s problems were over. Barnes was not his problem, and Tony had no obligation to do anything for him; there were plenty of other people out there who could – and no doubt would – help the guy.

There was a great deal of debate about the Winter Soldier/Barnes’s culpability or lack thereof going on. For the most part, however, Tony stayed away from it. Occasionally a reporter would try to ask him about it and Tony would give an evasive reply of letting the courts decide. The press was generally friendlier towards him these days, so it wasn’t all that terrible. Tony could understand their curiosity even if he didn’t exactly appreciate it. He was more concerned with his parents, actually, and how they were coping with all the discussion on Barnes and, inevitably, their deaths. Really, Tony could not wait for the whole thing to be over so they could go back to their lives.

Still, it was amusing to note that, no matter how people felt about Barnes, _everyone_ blamed Rogers for the whole mess. The rose-colored glasses for the great Captain America had been torn off and burned to ashes. The still vindictive part of Tony hoped Rogers was watching it all and cringing with every condemnation thrown at him. It was somewhat ironic that Rogers had, in the end, done more to _hurt_ Barnes than help him. If it hadn’t come at Tony’s (and the world’s) expense, Tony might even have felt sorry for Rogers and how badly he’d fucked up – Tony was very familiar with fucking up despite good intentions, after all, though his had never been quite so spectacular in scale (and no, Ultron didn’t count because it hadn’t really been his fault).

It was impossible to avoid the whole thing altogether, however.

“What do you think is going to happen to Barnes?” his father asked during one of their family dinners, when it was just the three of them (and Jarvis and Friday lurking in the background).

“Pomeroy thinks he’ll plead guilty and save everyone the trouble of going to trial. Apparently his lawyer has made some offer they are considering. I don’t know the details, though.” He didn’t need to know, really. No doubt Pomeroy would let him know once things had been worked out to the court’s satisfaction.

“The public seems to be torn about him.”

Tony shrugged. “There _were_ extenuating circumstances,” was all Tony said.

“You don’t think there’s any chance of him going free, do you?” Maria asked, a slight note of fear in her voice.

“No, mom, don’t worry. There’s no way he’ll walk. At best he’ll be in a psychiatric facility rather than a real prison, but no one will just let him walk.” No one was crazy enough to do that, not knowing that the guy’s brain was a mess of PTSD and he was only a handful of words away from being a deadly assassin – no one but Rogers would ever be that stupid.

“I know he wasn’t himself when… but I…”

Tony reached out to hold her hand. “It’s okay, mom. I understand. He won’t hurt you again. Even if by some crazy miracle he manages to escape, there’s no way he’s getting in here.”

“That’s right, Mrs Stark,” Friday piped in. “I’ll take him down if he ever sets a single foot inside this Tower.”

“We will,” Jarvis added. Now that Jarvis was back, the two AIs had split control of the Tower. So far it seemed to be working out all right. Besides the Tower’s systems, Jarvis also had full access to all the suits and could deploy them for defense (and attack) as needed. Friday, on the other hand, was still learning to operate the suit on her own in battle conditions. Still, it wouldn’t be long until Tony gave her complete clearance, and then he would re-activate the Iron Legion. With both Jarvis and Friday flying them, they would be a great asset in the case of a new invasion (which Tony was still convinced would happen). Of course, he would need to clear it with the Accords Panel, but he was fairly certain they would approve.

Maria smiled and nodded. “Thank you, Friday. And Jarvis.”

Friday took it upon herself to filter things for all of them (she was more actively protective than Jarvis, having learned the hard way that not everyone could be trusted, though Tony figured Jarvis would be catching up soon), and only gave them the highlights of the discussions (if they asked). The rest of the Avengers also avoided the topic, to Tony’s and his parents’ relief.

When the final sentence was decided, Pomeroy came to the Tower in person to speak to them, as she had been made aware of his parents’ resurrection.

“Dr Stark, Mr Stark, Mrs Stark,” she greeted, not particularly disturbed at seeing formerly dead people. “I wanted to let you know what has been agreed to regarding Sgt Barnes.”

“We appreciate you coming over, Ms Pomeroy,” Maria said.

“For now we are only focusing on the events of the Civil War, as you know.”

“What about the… Winter Soldier stuff?” Howard asked.

“No official determination has been made about that yet, but I believe Sgt Barnes will receive a verdict of not-guilty due to mental incapacity for those crimes, considering we have enough evidence that he was coerced through means of extensive torture and mind-control into committing them.”

Tony would be the first to agree that one did a lot of things one didn’t want to do under those conditions (he hated torture, which was part of the reason he had never trusted SHIELD. They were the ‘end justifies the means’ type that thought that would be an okay thing to do, and it really wasn’t. And the less said about mind-control the better), so the fact that Barnes wouldn’t be convicted of that didn’t bother him. He had been the weapon, not the one aiming the gun or pulling the trigger. Going by the tightening of his month and the tense set of his shoulders, he wasn’t quite sure Howard felt the same way.

“Dad,” he began, but Howard just shook his head.

“I know, Tony. I’ve… I’ve seen some of the files. It’s just…”

Yeah, Tony understood. Knowing something intellectually didn’t mean your heart and gut agreed. Tony had only had to watch the murders on a video (which was bad enough), his parents had _lived_ through it.

“Please continue, Ms Pomeroy,” Maria said to get them back on track.

“Yes, of course. As I was saying, we have agreed to a term of nine years in a psychiatric facility – one whose security features will be, of course, drastically upgraded.”

“Nine years? He did the same as Rogers! He killed all those people! He tried to kill Tony!” No, Howard wasn’t happy at all.

“Sgt Barnes might have been involved in the same events as Rogers, but his participation – and more importantly, his state of mind and his ability to make rational decisions – was quite different. Sgt Barnes wasn’t given a choice in his involvement, or in any of his “team’s” actions.” Her emphasis on the word team made it clear what she thought of not just the individuals in question but also how they operated – namely, ‘do whatever Rogers says’. “I agree with you that, on the surface, it doesn’t seem like enough, but we have to remember that Sgt Barnes was also a victim, and a POW for decades. It would be cruel to subject him to a longer incarceration instead of trying to help him. We are in the business of justice, not revenge.”

“As long as he is no longer a threat to the world, it’s fine with me,” Maria said. “If everything people have said about what he suffered is true, then he should be given the chance to heal.” The _as long as he does it away from me and mine_ was heavily implied.

“Yeah, all right,” Howard relented.

“I understand how you feel, Mr Stark. I know a lot of people will not be satisfied with this decision, but so be it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as a prosecutor is that you can’t please everyone. There’s always gonna be someone who wants a harsher sentence, or a lighter one, of a different one altogether.” She sighed. “We live in a new world, one in which mind-control and its effects are a real thing. We must be careful about setting a precedent for dealing with it. While it cannot be a get out of jail free card, it can also not be discounted completely. We have to find a balance, and that’s not easy.”

No, it certainly wasn’t. She was right that they needed to be very careful about handling this case. The Accords were still new, with some kinks to be ironed out. The ExVengers’ trials had been great in showing the world that there was a system in place to deal with rogue Enhanced, a system that was as fair as possible. All due process had been followed and, apparently, the results had satisfied the general public. A few of the most fanatic Cap fans had tried to cry conspiracy, even with all the evidence presented, but they were largely ignored. Hopefully it had also served as a cautionary tale of the dangers of unlimited and unchecked power in the hands of a few flawed human beings, no matter who they were.

“It has been decided that it would not be fair to treat Barnes the same way as the others, considering his particular circumstances. Also, the fact that he _asked_ to go back into cryogenic suspension in order to keep himself from being used again, combined with his cooperation since his arrest and his willingness to accept responsibility for his crimes, has earned him some leniency.”

Tony nodded. Intent mattered in law, and Tony could believe that Barnes hadn’t really wanted to do any of that. As many people had said, the Task Force’s appearance could have triggered a fight or flight response outside his conscious control.

Pomeroy met each of their eyes before continuing. “He has asked to make a statement in court, and I believe he intends apologize for his actions.” Which was a lot more than Rogers had done, and would also get Barnes some sympathy points with the public.

“He doesn’t know about… us, does he?” Maria asked.

“Not as far as I know.”

“Rogers could have told him,” Howard suggested.

“I doubt it. As far as I know, they have had little contact with each other, on Barnes’s request.” _Good for him_ , Tony thought. _Nothing but trouble there_. “If he knew, I believe Barnes would have said something to Dr Flores, who would have put it in his report. It would have raised a red flag for him as a sign of delusion or something. Since that didn’t happen, I don’t think he knows.”

There were a few other questions after that, then Pomeroy left. Howard still didn’t seem entirely convinced, though Tony was sure he’d let it go once he had more time to really think about it. Barnes would still answer for what he’d done, after all.

Later that night they had a team dinner (including Peter and May) to share the news and relax in the company of good friends. Barnes’s fate was only discussed briefly; for the most part they kept to easier topics, like the public’s increasing support for the Avengers and the Accords and Peter’s training and scientific projects. It was just what Tony and his parents needed to feel better.

*****

A few days after Barnes’s court appearance, debates were still going strong about the sentencing and Barnes’s speech. The Avengers were asked to give an official statement. Tony let Rhodey and Hope handle it.

“We are satisfied with the outcome,” Rhodey said in a press conference. “Despite the name, the Avengers are about protecting people, not revenge, and we feel that with this sentence, the public will be protected from the Winter Soldier until Sgt Barnes fully regains his mind. It is commendable that Sgt Barnes, in spite of all this mental difficulties, so readily accepted responsibility for his actions and that he apologized for the harm he caused.” Tony wondered if Steve would see this and understand the jab. “With the criminals arrested, tried and convicted, the world can finally put this matter behind and start to heal.”

Some of the families of the victims in Bucharest gave interviews as well.

“I appreciate Sgt Barnes’s apology,” a woman said. “It won’t bring my husband back, but it does help. Sgt Barnes is also a victim, and I hope he gets the chance to heal too. I think the court’s decision was a just one.”

There were still people asking for Barnes’s head on a spike, but those seemed to be in the minority. For his part, Tony was pretty much done with the whole thing. That was, until the letter arrived about a week after the sentencing.

_Dr Stark,_

_I know you probably don’t want to hear from me and I swear I won’t bother you again, but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am about everything. I know it changes nothing, and I don’t expect anything from you. I just need to say that, that I’m sorry._

_I didn’t know Howard very well, but I know he was a good man and he didn’t deserve to die like that. Neither did your mom, who I’m sure was a very nice person too. I swear to you that I didn’t want to hurt either of them. I would never have done something like that, not to your parents or to anyone else. I wish I had been strong enough to resist Hydra, to break out of their hold. I’m not sure what I could have done to stop them – stop myself – but I wish I’d done it. I know saying it wasn’t me doesn’t help anything, because it **was** me. I know that. That’s something I’m gonna have to learn to live with, the people I hurt or killed. Even though the Winter Soldier stuff hasn’t gone to trial yet (and I don’t know if it will, to be honest), I want you to know that I know everything I did and I’m willing to accept responsibility for it, whatever happens._

_I’m especially sorry for what I did in Siberia. I should have surrendered right away after watching that tape. I’m sorry you had to see that, and in those circumstances. That must have been horrible, I can’t even imagine it. I could say I was acting on instinct, but that’s an excuse and it doesn’t change anything. Steve should definitely have told you sooner. Sadly, Steve was never good at talking to people, always had to solve problems with violence. I want you to know that I don’t condone his actions at all. He was wrong to keep the truth from you, and to fight everyone in his path because he was scared or because he thought he knew best. I was wrong to go along with him and make things even worse. I was wrong to fight you, to not even try to calm things down. That was certainly a terrible time for you and we only made things worse by escalating a situation that was already bad enough. I don’t know whether anything I did caused you physical injuries. If I did, then I apologize. And you were totally justified to fight back. Actually, you kinda did me a favor by cutting off that awful metal arm. I’m much better off without it. I know it wasn’t your intention to help me, but you did, so thank you._

_Also, I was wrong to fight the Task Force people and your team at the airport. I had no idea what was going on then and I handled it all wrong. I’m sorry your friend Col Rhodes got hurt in that fight. I hope none of the others were seriously injured – one was bad enough. It’s obvious to me now that you and your team were doing the right thing, and it isn’t fair that you had to go through all that pain and misery because we were too stupid to recognize that and do things the right way._

_As I said at court, I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt anyone again, but I will do all I can. Until I’m free from Hydra, I’ll stay in this facility and I’ll do my best to cooperate with the doctors who are being so kind to me. You won’t have to worry about me breaking out or anything like that. Believe me, I want the Winter Soldier gone as much as you do. I can’t bring your parents back – or any of the others I killed – but I can (and will) do my best to destroy Hydra’s weapon._

_I wish you and yours all the best, and I hope you are doing well. I think Howard would have been really proud of you._

_I don’t know if you’ll ever do, but if you want to talk or something, even if it’s to rant, I’ll be here._

_Sincerely,_

_James Barnes._

Perhaps Tony should have expected something like that, given Barnes’s statement, but it came as a surprise anyway. The letter certainly seemed genuine and heartfelt. Tony couldn’t help compare it to Rogers’s fuck you letter (no way in hell was that an apology). He was tempted to send it to Rogers to show him what a real apology should be like. (And wasn’t it interesting that the guy who was quite possibly brain-damaged was nicer than fucking Rogers, the supposed paragon of justice, had ever been?)

In truth, Tony had no idea what to make of it beyond the obvious. He showed it to Rhodey to get his opinion.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Tones,” his friend said.

“Well, what am I supposed to do?”

“You’re not supposed to do anything. You’re not _required_ to do anything. He doesn’t seem to be expecting anything. You can do whatever you want. Tear it up and throw it away, answer it, put it in a drawer, whatever. You don’t owe the man anything.” Rhodey shrugged. Once he’d read some of Hydra’s files on the “creation” of the Winter Soldier, Rhodey had become a lot more sympathetic to Barnes (as had pretty much everyone). His friend was still wary of the guy, but the anger had faded a bit with time, helped along by Barnes’s court speech.

Friday and Jarvis agreed with Rhodey that Tony didn’t have to do anything about it unless he wanted to, so Tony spent most of the day thinking it over. Did he want to do anything? And if so, what? He had made his peace with what had happened and had moved on. His parents’ murder had not been Barnes’s fault, and Siberia was mostly Rogers’s fault. Though it was hard to imagine how else he could have reacted given the shock, hurt and betrayal he’d suffered, Tony could still acknowledge that he should not have tried to attack Barnes. He would not, however, apologize for reacting the way he did.

When he’d read Rogers’s stupid letter, all Tony had felt was anger and disappointment (in both Rogers for being such a bag of dicks and himself for ever having trusted and believed in the man). Neither forgiveness nor sympathy were anywhere on the horizon. Barnes, on the other hand… He would not go so far as to say he forgave Barnes, but he did feel sorry for the guy. He probably deserved an answer, even if it was just an “okay, I hear you.” Tony was not, after all, a jerk who would kick people when they were down (or a jerk who blamed the wrong person for the shit that happened).

Still, before he made any decisions about a possible response, Tony called his parents to talk to them about it.

“It’s nice of him to apologize personally, so to speak,” Maria said. “He has manners, at least.” _Unlike Rogers_ went unsaid. Howard only grunted.

It seemed to Tony that while his mother was still afraid of Barnes (he was, after all, the face of her nightmares), she had accepted his lack of agency in the matter and wasn’t holding a grudge. Howard, on the other hand, apparently wasn’t all that keen on letting go of his anger. Maybe it was because he had _known_ Barnes, so it was more of a personal betrayal. Or maybe Howard was just less forgiving in general (Tony couldn’t blame him, given all the betrayals he’d learned about since coming back). Regardless, he offered no opinion on it beyond “you should do whatever you want”.

Maria thought a reply would be polite, though she stressed that Tony didn’t have to do it if he’d rather not. “You really don’t owe him anything, honey.”

In the end, Tony sent a short response. It just seemed like the right thing to do. He could be the bigger person here and acknowledge the man’s effort.

_Barnes,_

_Thanks for the apology. I know what happened with my parents wasn’t your fault, so I don’t blame you for it anymore. It was the shock of the moment that made me react violently. I wish a lot of things had been different, but we’re all human and that means sometimes we don’t deal with things rationally._

_I hope you’ll get the help you need to put your life back together. I appreciate the letter, but I don’t think we have much more to say to each other._

_Good luck,_

_Tony Stark._

It was, perhaps, a more complete closure than he would have had without the letters. Both he and Barnes got to say their piece and could get on with their healing. Truly, Tony had no more ill will towards Barnes. It might have been different if his parents had not been resurrected, yet as it was, Tony was okay with letting the anger go (his therapist was quite pleased with his progress). It was easier to forgive Barnes than Rogers, after all. Not the least because only one _actually_ apologized.

The day the letter was sent, Tony again had dinner with his parents. They were really moving on. They were all okay.

Maybe one day Barnes would be too.


End file.
